Mommy Diaries #1

This morning I found myself sitting on the floor in Target folding dozens of t-shirts that my son had thrown all over the floor, while he- the guilty party- lay on the floor next to me screaming. It felt a bit like deja vu.

Over a year ago, after we finished dinner, my husband and I took baby Eli out of the house for the first time to walk around Target. Neither of us wanted to be the one to push the stroller. We both were terrified of him crying. When the inevitable cries began my husband panicked and made a B line for the exit. Trying to keep up despite my postpartum waddle I finally stopped him, walked into the middle of the women's clothing section and sat on the floor, feeling dwarfed by clothing racks. I pulled my newborn out of the stroller and gently rocked him until he fell back asleep. The blood was pounding in my ears, but I slowed my breathing and quietly shushed in the baby's ear. This was the moment I felt like a real mother.

There was no hope of rocking anyone to sleep today, however his much louder protests had little effect on my nerves this time around. This recognition makes me feel empowered. My son is going through a phase of exerted independence and sudden melt downs when he doesn't get his way. I have found that I am a very quiet parent. I try talking a lot with Eli, but it doesn't come naturally; neither does raising my voice. After cleaning up my son's mess I picked up his protesting self and amid a forest of polyester and cotton I quietly shushed him calm. After a few minutes we got up, he grabbed for my finger and we walked over to wreck havoc on the swimsuit bottoms.