Baby

Now that's it's been two weeks and the trauma of labor has been overshadowed by the responsibility of a newborn it doesn't seem as terrible as I remember it being at the time. Before going to the hospital it seemed like I'd always be pregnant. I wasn't one of those mothers-to-be who just couldn't wait to squish their little bundle of joy. I was excited, but still perfectly content to allow him to brew for as long as possible. Then Sunday night, after sleeping for about an hour and a half, I got up to go to the bathroom and my water broke (2:45am). I woke David and since I didn't have any contractions we slowly got things together and at 4:30am we arrived at the hospital. It seemed surreal to be walking into the labor ward pain free, slowly filling out paper work and waiting to be given a room. Once it was confirmed that my water had broken I was admitted and since I had no contractions and I was hardly dilated they had to put me on a mild drug to start my contractions.

After what seemed like forever I started getting contractions and eventually they started to become more and more strong. 13 hours later they checked my cervix again and I had only dilated 2cm. At that point I was exhausted, in pain that wasn't giving me any results and discouraged. Then they gave me Petocin and the contractions went from difficult to mind shattering. I didn't exist. David didn't exist. There was only the pain, but I couldn't even comprehend that fully and could only put my energy into surviving the next contraction. At this point I asked for an epidural. After it was put in only the left side of my body felt numb. They turned me on my right side trying to allow the medicine to travel down to my right side. It did nothing. After the initial wave of relief, pain started returning in full force. This is the part that is really irritating- we had to literally wait hours for another anesthesiologist to check me out. When he did he put a higher dose of something in my epidural and left. After the allotted 15 minutes only my left leg had become so numb I couldn't move or feel that it was even there, but relief never advanced up to where it would do me some good. At this point I was starting to dilate more quickly and when the third anesthesiologist decided to grant us with his presence, another 2 hours later, I was fully dilated. He said that the epidural would have to be replaced. My doctor kept telling me that the only way to stop the pain was to get the baby out. So, I opted to finish it then and there without the stupid anesthesiologists and their misleading beacon of relief. After pushing for 50 minutes I gave birth to my son. I vaguely remember the burning of crowning, but I can't remember feeling him being born. He was born at 11:19pm. I found it really awkward when they put him on my stomach because I didn't have the strength to lift my head and look at him. I just kept saying over and over, "I can't see his face." 

Once David and I had the baby I didn't notice anything else the doctor did. I remember her pressing my abdomen really hard, but I didn't notice the placenta coming out or them stitching me back up. I have never been so exhausted in my entire life, but for the next several hours I couldn't stop shaking. I had slept an hour and a half in 48 hours and I had been in labor for just over 20 hours, but the nurses kept pressuring me to have the baby room in with us so I could feed him during the night. I couldn't even hold the baby on my own because I was shaking so badly, but they treated me like I was being selfish. When they took the baby away though I still couldn't get any sleep because the nurses wouldn't leave me alone, coming in every 15 minutes for more tests and samples and poking me here and there and jabbing me with needles and massaging my uterus and pumping me with drugs. At around 4am the nurses let us sleep for a couple hours before starting again with their obnoxious pestering. I have never been in the hospital before, but now that I have I've decided it is really not fun. The one good thing was that I had an amazing doctor! She sat with me wiping my head with a cold rag and coaching my breathing through contractions when they couldn't find an anesthesiologist to fix my epidural problems. From what I've heard most doctors just show up for the pushing part of labor, but she sat next to me for hours. The next day she spent another hour teaching me breastfeeding basics and how to get a good latch.

I'd like to say that I am so happy and life is just wonderful, but I don't even have time to feel happy or otherwise, ha. I'm so exhausted all the time I just feel like I'm just on auto-pilot. I feel more machine than human. I don't know how I continue day after day with so little sleep. I never knew how hard it was to have a newborn! And I try not to think about all the things I've let slide, the calls I haven't returned or the laundry that's building. I am still in shock that this is what it feels like to be a mother. Before giving birth I looked at people's cute Facebook pictures of their babies and how happy they seemed- the sun is shining, everyone's smiling and baby looks so innocent. I had no idea that behind every picture perfect moment were hundreds of hours of sleepless nights, sore arms from endless rocking and constantly feeling zoned out and mentally foggy. I find that every prayer I give is dominated by the repeated plea- "Please, help him sleep." I am sure, after this experience, I will never again take for grated a solid nights sleep. I'd even be blown away with 3 or 4 hours of rest, ha. Little by little I'm starting to figure things out, though and I have a new found respect for mother's everywhere because having children is the most consuming and selfless thing i think a woman can do. (Not that I take credit for being so selfless, because I was oblivious to the sacrifice's I would have to make.) Having a baby definitely has brought out more patience than I knew I possessed and brought me down to my knees more often than any other single experience. Sometimes, I feel like the person who asked God for an opportunity for personal growth and then when such an experience is given I turn and ask Him, "Why me?" It's such a roller coaster of feeling empowered and strong and then within the same hour small and weak. I have never before felt so much gratitude and humility, because I know I have been strengthened beyond my own capabilities. Besides the miracle of this new baby, the best thing that has come out of this experience is an increased love for my husband. I seriously didn't think it was possible, but I feel more love, attraction, security, desire to serve and happiness through his joy than I have ever done before. It's like my heart has grown and my capacity to love has multiplied.